My heart was breaking. A dream was dying. One that I'd fought for, prayed for, and believed in for years...decades even. Powerful rays of morning light poured in through the window as I heard the Holy Spirit whisper that my job that day was to fast. So after I dropped my daughter at school, I turned on music in my car and asked God to come near.
I know this is going to sound crazy, but sometimes God speaks to me through Spotify shuffle. I know. But it's just the truth. Song after song spoke directly into my specific situation...songs that I would have never chosen for the moment. I hit my driveway reluctant to end the trip. When God speaks, you never want Him to stop. I can't really describe it, but everything feels so right in that moment, and you just don't want to go back to the broken and messy of life.
But alas, broken, messy life was waiting. Gravel crunched under my tires as I slowed my car to a snail's pace. I literally inched my way down the driveway as the same song that had started my worship session began to play again (I have two versions on this playlist and no doubt that it was no coincidence these started and ended my trip.
"I don't need to know what comes next
And I know I'm not alone, not alone.
Away with the distractions,
I wanna hear what's true.
The only words that matter,
They come from You." (Quiet by Elevation Rhythm)
As I rounded the corner and caught a glimpse of my house, bright light everywhere. I hit the brakes. Peace filled every single part of my mind and body. Peace like I've only felt a couple of other times in my life.
"I'll just be quiet
And let You speak through the silence
Here I am, no more hiding
You are in this moment, I won't fight it
I'll be quiet.
I'll just be quiet
And let You speak through the silence
Here I am, no more hiding
You are in this moment, I won't fight it
I'll be quiet."
And in that moment, in the light of His glory and grace, another part of me was healed. No one laid a hand on me. I wasn't in a church building. I wasn't praying some amazing strong word. I literally had no words left. It was just me and God. Sitting in His light. No longer hiding my stuff. No longer fighting for my stuff. Quiet.
You know why the enemy of your soul doesn't want you quiet, right? Why your flesh doesn't want to be quiet? Why we reach for anything and everything to fill the silence?
Because You might hear God speak.
He might heal some things. He might ask you to make some changes. He might tell you some things you didn't know. And He will always remind you of His great love for you. (The devil HATES love.)
When's the last time you got quiet? Sat in the Light and didn't feel any pressure to even speak? Trusted God enough to already know exactly what is hurting you and exactly what you need to move forward anyway?
We don't do this because we are afraid of what He might say about the darkness still in us. We hide. We stay busy. We find entertainment. "La, la, la, la. I can't hear You, God."
We don't do this because we don't trust His love. We think that we have to earn it...that our performance as of late is not conducive to listening for God. We don't deserve to feel peace or to sit in His Light. I know that condemnation well. It assaulted me all my life. Keeping me from God's love.
I want so badly to find the words to open up your eyes to the love that God has for you, but I think that maybe you don't need words. You need Light. You need to go sit in the Light...by yourself...maybe with some music to help you direct your attention away from the other noise and toward Jesus, and you need to just be quiet. Ask Him to show You His love and then just be quiet.
Maybe He won't show you right away, but somewhere in that day, that week, He will show you if you are looking for it. And when He does, I want you to believe Him. I didn't believe Him for so very long because as soon as I would see a glimpse of it, condemnation would immediately come in screaming about all the reasons I wasn't loveable.
But let me tell you, this kind of light will change your life. If you let the love that God has for you become the foundation upon which you build everything else, you will begin to see in all sorts of darkness. His love is the Light. It guides us. It helps us see Him. It dispels the darkness.
"The Lord will fight your battles (because He loves you that much). You need only be still."
Ex 14:14
Let the Light in.
PS. Because He loves me, He cares about my dreams too. We get His love and His resurrecting power.
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