Maybe It's Time You Learn to Trust Love

I grew up with shame. Maybe you did too. “You should be ashamed.” “Look what you’ve done.” “After all I’ve done for you.” “When are you going to learn?” “That’s not good enough.” “Why can’t you be more like …?” “How many times do I have to tell you?” Shame points us internally, demanding that we find more inside of us to give so that we’ll be acceptable.

Shaming others often works to get us what we want from them because all humans have a need to be seen and accepted. When we withhold that from someone until they can meet our standards or expectations, we force them to either disconnect from us or work harder to connect with us. Either way, this rips invisible wounds into the fabric of a relationship.

Making someone feel ashamed makes us feel powerful, especially if they change their behavior because of that shame. We can even mistake this for love, after all, it’s for their own good. They need to listen to us. We know what’s best for them. We are right. And they should be ashamed for thinking and acting like they do.

Because we are like this, we can think God is like this too. We think He is in Heaven huffing and puffing about all the things humanity should be ashamed of. The voice of shame becomes His voice in our lives. “You should be ashamed.” “Look what you’ve done.” “After all I’ve done for you.” “When are you going to learn?” “That’s not good enough.” “Why can’t you be more like …?” “How many times do I have to tell you?” We believe this is how He gets His children to behave.

Many churches operate on a foundation of shame. It’s what keeps people in line, this fear of what will happen if they don’t reach the standards and expectations. I’ve watched people all my life live corralled by shame while claiming its obedience to God. I’ve been a person like that.

But here’s the thing. Shame is never able to be satisfied. You can check all the boxes and satisfy all the requirements. It will still be there whispering, “It’s not enough.” When we allow shame to be our motivating force, we will never be free from its life-sucking tenacles.

One of the reasons that I wrote the book I am getting ready to release is because I honestly believe that we undervalue the most powerful force in the Universe: Love. Deep down most of us believe that true love is weak…that caring and kindness are only ways to be taken advantage of…that if we erase the records of wrong, we are letting evil get the upper hand. We trust shame to get us justice far easier than we rely on love.

We don’t believe that Love is strong enough to carry the weight of our imperfections, our weakness, or our mess. We shame ourselves into doing all kinds of work to try to get perfect, stronger, and cleaner so that we will be worthy of Love. We figure if we pay enough penance under the shadow of our own shame, we will somehow earn Love.

You may have heard Heaven referred to as an “upside down” Kingdom, and one of the things I think is most opposite in Heaven is how powerful Love is. It lifts the heaviest burden. It softens even the hardest of hearts. It exposes greed, corruption, selfishness, and all other forms of evil. It kills the momentum of darkness and leaves us basking in the light.

And the thing about love is that it comes with our existence. We are created in the image of Love. We were created because we are deeply loved. God looked at you and me and said, “This is very good.” When we messed up and deserved nothing but shame, He gave us what He loved most, so that we could receive His love again. Love doesn’t have to be earned. It simply has to be believed.

Choosing love instead of shame takes faith. It doesn’t feel as effective. Isn’t it far easier to yell, vent, snap, or imply than it is to be patient, kind, and slow to anger? Do you feel hesitation inside of you that if you fail to harp on their wrongs or remind them of their past or point out their mistakes that they will get away with everything and leave you looking like a fool? Or maybe you really do want what’s best for them, and you’re afraid that love isn’t powerful enough to keep them from the worst.

It takes faith to choose love, especially when shame feels like the logical thing. When someone is obviously wrong…unapologetically wrong…it takes faith to approach them with the same respect you would like others to observe when they think you’re wrong. When someone is choosing a path of consequences and experiencing them harshly, it takes faith to offer kindness in place of “you made your bed” type commentary. When someone has spurned your advice or your instruction, it takes faith to believe honoring them as a person made in God’s image is more powerful than berating them. When you have disappointed or sinned or feel comparatively invisible, it takes faith to turn toward Love instead of away from Him.

What has healed me over the last several years has been a slow transition from a life of shame to a life of love. I have seen love do incredible things that I never believed it could. The more I receive and experience God’s great love for me, the more that shame loses its hold on my attitude, thoughts, and actions. It’s incredible the revolution that happens in our lives when we simply learn to trust love.

And if nobody has ever told you, I want you to know that love overcomes shame every day of the week…and twice on Sunday. 😊