I remember the first time I was really angry and disappointed with God (Or the first time that I didn't shove those emotions aside and pretend like I wasn't so I could still be a "great" Christian). I was the girl in charge of a whole company. Employees were waiting on their paychecks. And there was a deadline. One that I promised everyone that God would meet. Literally, I'd assured these employees, most of which didn't have a relationship with God, that He would come through. I thought it would be great PR for Him...smh.
We received communication that week from a vendor that they were paying a large sum of money...enough to cover the payroll. It was in the mail. "See," I told everyone. "God's got this." But the deadline came and the check was nowhere to be found. We didn't make payroll that Friday. Everything was on the brink of disaster.
And I was livid. So entirely disappointed that God hadn't met my deadline that I yelled at Him. "How could You? Families are counting on this. Not only did You not prove yourself to them, You gave them more reason to doubt You." Truly it was me that doubted now. And when the Creator of the Universe fails you, who else is there? Hopelessness consumed me. Especially since I fully expected God to turn His whole back on me now that I'd blown up at Him.
I'd been taught that you didn't question God. You blindly obeyed. And that was faith. I'd been taught that emotions get in the way of relationship with God. Leave them out entirely. They were the work of the enemy to lead you astray. Reject them. Ignore them. Don't let them have any part in the decisions that you make.
Living that way made me so sick for a very long time. Because God made me a severely emotional person. Literally, I feel other people's feelings. My own emotions easily overwhelmed me back then and spiraled into anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. When I believed that emotions were a bad thing, I believed that I was defective and worthless because I had them so often and so strongly. I was constantly fighting a battle against my own design.
Imagine my surprise when I curled up in bed that weekend that I'd yelled at God, and He spoke to me. Not in an audible voice...not with a bolt of lightning (which I almost expected)...even more mind-blowing than that.
In my despair, I wanted escape. I grabbed some junk food and turned on the TV. After several minutes of searching for something light-hearted and romantic, I could find nothing. But this tornado documentary on my home page kept catching my eye because I love weather TV. When I finally gave up on a movie and clicked on it, I realized it was titled "Where was God?".
Exactly. My. Question.
So I watched it...this story about devastation in Oklahoma caused by an EF5 tornado...the loss of life and just about all of the property in the whole town. Story after story of the lives this horrific storm had interrupted and hijacked. But throughout the documentary there were these scenes of a man sifting through the rubble, collecting pieces of it...it still brings the tingle of tears to my eyes...using those pieces to build something. By the end of the story, that ultimately highlights God's faithfulness throughout the recovery from this devastation, he's created this incredibly beautiful sculpture for the newly built town with nothing but broken remains of the old one.
Let me not get stuck on the lesson there because I came here to teach you an entirely different one. That documentary calmed the raging storm within me...I remembered that God does amazing things with unmet deadlines and disappointed expectations. But it did more than that. It proved to me that God isn't one bit annoyed by our emotions...even the worst ones. As a matter of fact, I've come to believe fully that emotions are God given gifts. Even the ones we vilify like grief, anger, and fear. He gave us these feelings so that we can navigate a world broken by sin and shame. He designed us with a whole system full of nerves, so we can fully experience life and process through the hard parts of it in a healthy way.
He even created pleasure. Gasp. Stop it. Pleasure is from the devil. Nope. The devil can't create, he can only taint and twist and weaken and hijack. Pleasure belongs to God.
Emotions and feelings are gifts. No, they aren't the leaders of our lives, but they are important messengers to help us interpret our lives. Emotions and feelings point us to the roots of our lives. They give us clues as to how we are doing and what is being done to us. They have an important place in our interpretation of circumstances and events AND our actions when it comes to circumstances and events. God created them FOR us, not AGAINST us.
This doesn't mean that we act or react only on emotions. They aren't meant to be the singular authority in our lives, but when we cut them out entirely, always disregarding them as deceivers, we not only miss crucial information that should be factored into our decisions, but we fail to steward our bodies according to God's design. He created the nervous system to healthily function through emotions and feelings.
The largest leap of healing that I've made in my life has come from a better perspective emotionally and a willingness to accept my emotions as they are, process through them to the root of the problem, and take action accordingly. Sometimes, that action is as simple as a good meal and a nap (God teaches Elijah this lessons in 2 Kings :). Sometimes, that action is to believe the message they are sending and wisely move forward accordingly. Sometimes, that action is completely contrary to how I feel because as helpful as emotions try to be, they can miss critical information in the interpretation process, and it's my responsibility to correct them.
For instance, as a married woman, if I am attracted to another man, I have the responsibility to correct my emotions and direct them away from this attraction. But I also have the responsibility to examine why I might feel that attraction. Is it because I am not dealing with something in my marriage? Is it because I am missing a close relationship with God? Is it because something in me needs to heal or to forgive? I mean, it could just be a random sinful urge or attack, but often feelings point us deeper than that. If I don't deal with the root cause, I will continue to find my emotions continuing to wander to other men.
Another example. If I am afraid that I'm going to lose my job, I can rebuke the spirit of fear all day long, but I have the responsibility to examine why I am so fearful of this. Am I not working up to standards? Are there rumors going around and I need to be actively looking for another job? Is there some insecurity in me that needs to be addressed? Viewing emotions as messengers helps me work through these questions so I can take the wisest action.
One more. If I am angry at my parents, I have the responsibility to continue to honor them in all possible ways. But I also have the responsibility to examine why I am angry. Are my parents continually crossing boundaries in my life? Have I made my boundaries clear to them? Am I still afraid of displeasing them? Am I expecting too much of them in whatever season they are in?
Can you see how addressing the root of the problem is a longer term solution than just shoving the emotions aside and handling it the same way you always have?
We won't be healthy people without holding space for our emotions. We might look like healthy people. We might look like the most faith-filled Christians in the world who are never bothered by "those heathen feelings". But if we haven't dealt with our emotions and come to terms with God's design, it is only a matter of time before we unravel (or maybe we are just really good at hiding our current unraveling. I know I was for a really long time.)
That first time that I allowed my anger at God to be what it was, He taught me a valuable lesson. Messy relationship is exactly what he wants from us. Complete honesty. All our emotions. All of us. When I gave that to Him, He met me so gently and kindly. He helped me process through to peace.
And I had peace for a first time in a long time on that Monday morning when I went back to work. Halfway through the day, I got a phone call. A postal worker had found the check that was supposed to cover payroll. It had fallen down in between the seats in the delivery vehicle. I'm not making this up. And to this day, I believe God orchestrated that simple mistake to teach me a life-long lesson about my emotions.
One that He knew I would one day share with whoever He sent to read this.
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