Unpopular opinion: Therapy can sometimes make things worse. Now before you start throwing out comments that make me regret I ever got honest with you, let me explain what I mean.
While humans have some commonalities that make us "studyable", we are also all thoroughly unique...to the point that no two humans have the same fingerprints...to the point that two humans can grow up in the exact same family and one come out traumatized and the other not...to the point that one medicine can make one person better, but kill someone else.
So unless we are doing our internal work with someone who understands our unique situation and is skilled in helping us with our unique needs, we can leave therapy actually more screwed up than we came in. I've heard plenty of these experiences over the years from people who feel hopeless because "even therapy didn't work for me".
And please, please hear me when I say that there are amazing, miracle-working therapists out there. People who are highly trained, but also highly intuitive and compassionate. People who use their skills, not for ego or control, but for the healing of others. But even if you can find one of these people, you might have a hard time paying them. Good therapy can be expensive.
Now I'm going to tell you a secret about me...one that I am not proud of...one that I don't tell others very often. I've never been to a therapist. I've talked to them "off the record"...some of my best friends are in the business. I've learned so much from some of them through books and workbooks and Instagram and podcasts, etc. I'm not saying I will never go. But I've never actually gone to therapy. I've got my reasons, but as some who has suffered from the severity of anxiety and panic that I have, they feel trite when I say them out loud.
But I'm still healing...even without therapy.
And one of the ways that I've found most helpful in this process has been writing. Some call it journaling. Some call it brain dumping. Some call it blogging. The way to get our words out on paper is different for everyone. But it's powerful when you do it.
One of the things that a therapist does is to help you get your story out...to process things and maybe reprocess some things in a better way. The majority of power in therapy is simply the empathetic listening. And this is something that you can learn to do for yourself. Something that I highly recommend even if you are going to therapy.
Let me tell you how I learned this skill.
First, I had to learn how to be empathetic with me. The way that we talk to ourselves can be brutal. We can expect things from ourselves that we would never expect from a loved one. One of the reasons that I was anxious and panicky in the first place is because I was constantly judging myself, putting pressure on myself, and never giving myself grace. When I learned to be kind to me, it solved a good many of my issues (not that I do it perfectly yet, but we are working on it everyday).
Maybe that sounds impossible to you. Maybe much of your life has been spent around hard people with unmeetable expectations. Maybe you erroneously believe, like I did, that the inner critic created by judgmental religion is the voice of God. This might take some time and some new beliefs. The first one being that you...yes, you...were made in God's image. You are just as valuable as the most valuable person you think you know. God loves you...His dear creation...and He would never talk to you like you are talking to yourself. His MO is patience, kindness, humility, compassion, and love.
This is the habit you need to develop first. Write down some reminders that you can keep close and repeat to yourself daily. Get around some people who believe these things and who treat you like you are valuable. Read my books (shameless plug :). Most of them were written from a foundation of processing the love of God.
The next thing I had to learn was how to be brutally honest. We want so desperately to be seen, respected, and admired by everyone around us, even ourselves. We are constantly denying and covering up the bad because we think that negative broken things in our lives make us bad people. This again goes back to that value question. We are dishonest because it makes us at least seem more valuable. But healing only comes with honesty. It's the truth that sets you free. We have to get to the place where our belief in our value is secure even when we are the most honest we can be.
On paper, this looks like revealing how you really feel. Not how you are acting like you feel to keep everyone satisfied or thinking well of you, but how you truly feel. Once you get that out on paper, you get some distance between yourself and what is really going on inside of you and your eyes are opened to some things. Maybe actions you can take. Maybe other things you haven't thought about. Maybe just a better view of where you are at.
I'm not saying that any of this is a substitute for good therapy, but it will help if you can't afford therapy and it's a great accessory to any kind of therapy. What some call "journaling", I call DIY therapy.
I truly believe my online course "Resource Your Health, Change Your Life" could be a great starting place. It's literally $10 a month for as long as you want to use it and there is all kinds of great resourcing ideas and knowledge...the kind of stuff that has helped me change my own life. I am not a therapist, but I've lived a life that has required me to learn all kinds of therapy things. I've come to believe that God has not just given us everything for godliness, but He's given us everything for life too. And a healthy body, mind, emotions, and spirit are possible when we use the gifts He's designed for those things.
Take five minutes today with a piece of paper or a notebook and just write down everything that comes to mind. Even if its chaotic. Even if its angry or depressing. Just get it out. Then pretend you've just watched a beautiful human that you love write those things down. Process them like you would with that beloved human. Because that's who you are.
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